THE TWO DRUNKS
Two drunks, Chuck and Manny, wake up one morning.
Manny says, "How the hell are we gonna get drunk today? All I've got is forty cents."
Chuck says, "Gimme the money, I've got an idea." He goes into a deli, comes out with a hot dog and says, "Come on, let's go to the bar."
When they get to the bar, Chuck pulls down Manny's zipper, sticks in the hot dog, and pulls the zipper up tight enough to hold it. Then he says, Follow me," and they walk into the bar.
He orders two Rum & Coke, and they drink them down. When the bartender says, "Pay up," Chuck drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here, you homos!"
Fifteen bars, they do the same routine. They're bombed. Chuck says, "Listen, it was a great idea I had, we got bombed on forty cents, but we gotta stop. Every time I drop to my knees I smash 'em on the floor. I can't take it anymore."
Manny says, "YOU can't take it anymore? We lost the hot dog after the fourth bar."
UNMARRIED DAUGHTER
An elderly woman comes home and finds her daughter in bed with a vibrator. She screams at her; "What are you doing???" The daughter says, "Mom, I'm 40 years old. I'm not married and I don't have a date. It's the nineties, give me a break!!"
The mother shakes her head and leaves. The next day the father walks in on the daughter and finds the same thing.....he screams "What's going on here???"
The daughter explains the same situation to him....he shakes his head and leaves .
That night the mother comes into the kitchen and finds the father sitting at the table, a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other. She says " What on earth are you doing with that??" The father sits back and replies... " Hey, leave me alone, can't a guy have a beer with his son-in law?"
WATCH YOUR BACK
A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity he took the seat.
As soon as the first dancer walked out the guy directly behind him yelled, "Yeah baby! That's what I've been waiting for!"
The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend goes off again. "Yeah baby! Shake those things."
Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!"
After a few moments, the dancer did another move and snatched off her dress revealing a very thin G-string. Again' the man behind our friend yelled out, "Oh baby! You're almost there!"
Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the fuck up, will ya!"
A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the G-string. The whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend.
Curious, our friend turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now"?
The guy responded, "It's on your back, dude."
A CURIOUS LITTLE GIRL
A little Indian girl goes up to the Indian Chief and says, "Father, how did I get my name?"
Her father says, "Well, when your brother was born, I looked out of the teepee and saw an eagle fly by. So, I named him Flying Eagle."
"When your sister was born, I looked out and saw a beautiful deer prancing in the woods. So, I named her Running Deer."
Sensing an inquisitive look on his daughter's face, he then added, "Do you have any more questions Two Dogs Fucking?"
REALLY BAD
A traveling salesman had been assigned to a mountain region. Knowing some of the stories about these mountain folk, he wasn't sure about what to expect. On his first stop he found a young boy at home.
The salesman asks for the boy's mother. The boy leads the salesman over to a window with a view to the backyard.
He sees the mother getting laid by a goat and says to the boy, "Christ, that's really gross."
The boy answers, "Aw, it's not too baaaaaaaaaad! "
CONFESS THY SINS
Four girls go to confession and the priest says, "I'm sorry but I am very busy today so we will do a collective session. Soo, let's cut out the light stuff and get down to business. Anybody touch a penis this week?"
The first girl looks down bashfully and says, "I did - but only with my finger.".
The priest says, "Put it in holy water and say 3 Hail Marys".
The second girl admits that she had used both hands to masturbate her boyfriend.
"Put them both in holy water and say 5 Hail Marys", says the priest
The third girl immediately heads toward the holy water. The priest says: "Hold it. Where are you going?"
The girl says: "Just getting a quick mouth wash before Maria washes her ass."
BE NICE TO YOUR WIFE
The funeral parlor called the 85 year old widow to tell her that her 90 year old husband had died with such a massive erection that he could not close the lid of the coffin. He had never seen such seen such a big pecker.
Well", she said, "Cut it off as close to his body as you can then put it up his ass".
The next day the whole family arrived at the funeral home to pay their respects and the widow knelt down near her departed husband and noticed there was a tear coming down his cheek. She leaned over and whispered in his ear, "I told you it hurt, you old fucker."
WHERE BABIES COME FROM
One day a five year old little girl excitedly approached her mother and announced that she had learned how you get a baby. The mother was amused and said, "Oh really sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"
The little girl then explained, "Well, the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes and the daddy's wiener stands way up high. Then the mommy kneels on the floor and puts the daddy's wiener in her mouth. The daddy's wiener sort of explodes and makes sticky juice into the mommy's mouth. The mommy swallows the sticky juice and that's how you get a baby."
The mother looked lovingly at her daughter, leaned over to meet her eye to eye and said, "Oh honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get a baby. That's how you get jewelry."
THE ELEPHANT IMPLANT
Jack went to the doctor and told him he was having a problem. He was unable to get an erection. After a complete physical exam, the doctor told Jack that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged and there was nothing much he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might be applicable if he were willing to take the risk.... the treatment consisted of implanting the muscles from a baby elephants trunk in Jack's penis!
Jack thought about it for a while..... the thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, he decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, Jack was given the green light to use his new and improved equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.
In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. Immediately his penis sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll then returned to his pants!
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face, she said, "Jack that was incredible !!!!!! Can you do that again??"
Jack with his eyes watering, replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure that I can fit another roll up my ass".......
UP YOUR ASS
There were two gay men in the bathroom at their home and one was
putting Vaseline on his chest. The other gay man asked him, "Why are
you putting Vaseline on your chest?"
The first gay man replied, "Didn't you know that Vaseline helps you
grow hair on your chest?"
The other gay man said, "Well, if that was a proven fact, then you
would have a ponytail growing out of your ass!"
THE DOG POUND
Three dogs were in a cage at the city pound: A Pit Bull, a German Shepherd and a Great Dane. The Pit Bull told the others, "I was eating my dinner and my owner's two year old niece tried to grab my food, so I ripped out her throat. Now they are going to put me to sleep."
The German Shepherd said "I chewed up my master's shoes yesterday and now they are going to put me to sleep."
The Great Dane said "My master is a beautiful twenty two year old woman. The other day she came out of the shower and bent over in front of me, so I jumped on her back and screwed her."
"So are you in here to be put to sleep too?" asked the others.
"No, I'm here to have my nails clipped!"
I LIKE YOUR THOUGHT PROCESS
A teacher is testing her students' math skills. She says "Johnny, if there are three blackbirds on a fence and you shoot one, how many would be left?
Johnny thinks and answers "None!".
Johnny says, "But teacher, if I shot one of the birds the other two would fly away leaving none".
The teacher exclaims, "Johnny, that's not the answer I was looking for, but I like your thought process".
The next day Johnny says, "Teacher, there are three woman sitting on a bench eating ice cream cones.
One is eating hers, one is licking hers and one is sucking hers. Which one is married"?
The teacher thinks and hesitantly answers, "The one that is sucking hers".
Johnny exclaims, "No, she is the one wearing the wedding band, but I like your thought process!
SORRY, NO COOKIES
A kid and his grandfather were sitting on the porch swing. Gramps lit
up a cigarette and the kid looked at him and said, "Can I have one
of those?"
Gramps replied, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"
The kid said, "Nope."
Gramps replied, "Then you ain't old enough."
A little while later Gramps popped open a beer. The kid asked, "Can I
have one of those?"
Gramps replied, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"
The kid said, "Nope."
Gramps said, "Then you ain't old enough."
A little later the kid came out of the house with some cookies and
milk. Gramps asked, "Can I have one of those?"
The kid replied, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"
Gramps said, "Yep!"
The kid said, "Then go fuck yourself, 'cause Grandma said these were
mine!"
A NEW ATM MACHINE
The other day, my wife and her friends went to a ladies' night club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of them, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, her friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of them, the third friend pulled out a $50 bill and called the guy over. My wife was worried about the way things were going, but her friend licked the bill and just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
My wife's relief was short lived. Seeing the way things were going, the guy gyrated over to her! Now everyone's attention was focused on her and the guy was egging her on to try and top the $50. Her brain was churning as she reached for her purse.
What could she do? She got out my her ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home.
SORRY, NO COOKIES
The government did a survey on the nations greatest psychologists to see exactly how good they were. They were each given 200 drug addicts, 1 sheet of paper, and a pencil. After a few hours they were called back in and asked how they did. Many had made no progress when one stood up and stated he had gotten 50 to stop drugs immediately. In disbelief he was asked how.
Simple he stated, on one side of the paper I drew a circle and said this is your brain. On the other side I drew a very small circle and said this is your brain on drugs. Immediately 50 stopped using drugs.
At this time another psychologist stood up and said that's nothing, I got all 200 of my addicts to drop their habits immediately.
Then he was asked how.
Simple he said, on one side of the paper I drew a circle and said this is your brain. Then on the other side I drew a really big circle and said this is YOUR ASSHOLE when you go to prison.
THE THREE DRUNKS
Three men had a very late night drinking Guinness. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day they all met for an early pint and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.
The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."
The second guy said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
The third guy proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home I got into a big fight with the wife, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"
The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first guy spoke out again, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand... CHUNKS IS MY DOG."
LOOKING FOR A RAT
Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day and found him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick. In an attempt to hide his full erection, Johnny's father bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously, "What ya doin', Dad?"
His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed."
Johnny replied, "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"
LUCKY JOHNNY
Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina saying, "Johnny, this is where you came from."
Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting that all his friends refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."
"Why?" one asked.
Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd."
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest and her mother said, "You'd better not go out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because the big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do; he'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and fuck your little red socks off."
But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said, "Don't worry Mom, I've got it covered."
So, she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little pigs. One of them ran out of the brick house and said "You shouldn't be out tonight Little Red Riding Hood! The big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do if he catches you. He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and fuck your little red socks off"
So, she pulled out the shotgun and said, "Don't worry boys, got it covered!"
As she continued through the forest she came across the big bad wolf and he said, "You shouldn't have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and fuck your little red socks off."
She lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, laid down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him, and said...
"NO! You're going to eat me like the book says."
VULGAR BANK CUSTOMER
A man walks into a bank and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, "Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass on line anymore."
"Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank."
"Well excuse me, but this fuckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language."
"Sir, I don't have to take this abuse", she says.
"Well then let's get the fuckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?"
The manager is summoned and says, "What seems to be the problem?"
The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it."
The man says, "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake, is deposit this fuckin' check for 15 million dollars."
The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says, "And this fuckin' bitch won't help you?"
QUESTION AND ANSWER
Q. What do you call a girl who can suck a golf ball through a garden hose?
A. Sweetheart!!!
Q. What do women have in common with hurricanes?
A. They both scream when they are coming and when they leave, they take your house.
Q. What do a rattlesnake and a condom with a hole in it have in common?
A. You don't want to screw with either of them!
Q. Do you know what a Yankee is?
A. The same as a quickie, except it's a solo.
Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
A. A fifty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone!
Q. What has six balls and screws you twice a week?
A. Kentucky (or state of your choice) Lotto!
Q. Why did the chicken cross the basketball floor?
A. He heard the ref was blowing fowls!
Q. Why did the pervert cross the road?
A. Because his pecker was stuck in the ass of the chicken!
Q. Why is a gynecologist like a pizza delivery man?
A. They both can smell it, but they can't eat it.
Q. What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A. Such a piece of ass that it will bring tears to your eyes.
Q. What is long and hard on a black man?
A. The second grade.
Q. What do you call an anorectic woman with a yeast infection?
A. A quarter pounder with cheese!
Q. How do you scare a man?
A. Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner? - In the pages of a romance novel.
Q. What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A. Exchange him.
Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.
Did you know that the male sex organ comes in 5 sizes?
Small
Medium
Large
X-large
Does that come in white?
YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR
One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker.
Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore
in the nearest Red Light District. A short while later, he finds what he's
looking for and spends $10 for oral sex and intercourse.
The next morning the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs.
So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before.
He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her
and says, "Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!"
The hooker replies, "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10?
Lobster?"
VULGAR BANK CUSTOMER
A farmer hires a college student one summer to help around the farm. At
the end of the summer the farmer says, "Son, since you have done such a
fine job here this summer, I am going to throw a party for you."
The college guy says, "Right on, thanks a lot man."
So the farmer says, "Well you better be able to handle a few beers
because there will be lotsa drinkn' going on."
"Hey, I can drink just as much as anyone else, so I should do just
fine."
The farmer says, "There is also going to be a lot of fightn' so I hope
you are ready."
The College guy replies, "I have been working hard all summer and I
think I am in pretty good shape."
Farmer says, "Well, did I mention that there will be lotsa sex?"
"Good," says the colloege guy," I have been out here all summer and I
have been dying for some action. What should I wear to this party?"
The farmer looks at him, smiles, and says, "I don't care; it's just
going to be me and you."
THE PISSED ON BLIND MAN
A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at
the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point
started pissing on the man's leg.
As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out
a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog.
A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached
the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a
nasty deed.
The blind man replied, "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to
find his head so I can kick his fuckin' ass."
HELP THE HANDICAPPED
This man is walking down the road and hears someone crying. He stops and looks over the fence and sees a woman without any arms or legs crying beside a pool. He asks, "What's the problem?"
She says, "Well,
I've never been hugged before."
Well, this is a nice guy so he hops the fence and gives her a hug. Half an hour later he is going back to his car and hears her crying. He asks, "Now what's wrong?"
She says, "I've been thinking and..I've never been kissed before". Well, the guy thinks what's the harm in giving her a kiss to make her feel better? He hops the fence and gives her a kiss.
At his car he finds that his keys are lost so he goes back to the girl and
finds his keys there, but he sees her crying again. "Now what's wrong?" he asked.
She responds, "I've never been fucked before."
The guy picks her up and throws her into the pool and says, "Now you're fucked real good."
A SENSIBLE DIAGNOSIS
Doctor: "Your wife either has Alzheimer's or AIDS."
Husband: "How can we find out which?"
Doctor: "I need you to run a little experiment this weekend. Take your wife to a park and leave her there. If she finds her way home; don't fuck her."
THE ALLIGATOR TRICK
A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator.
The bartender stops him and says, "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here; they aren't allowed!"
So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."
The bartender says, "Well then, lets see!"
So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.
He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?"
An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."
THE TOUGHEST WHORE
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest, and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender.
"We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the beer bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.
"How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.
"I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers before we get started."
BAD CHECK UP
.
A beautiful woman walks into a doctors office and the doctor is
awestruck. All his professionalism goes out the window.He tells her to
take off her pants and he starts rubbing her thighs. He says "Do you
know what I am doing?"
She replies "Yes, checking for abnormalities."
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra and he starts rubbing her
boobs. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies "Yes, checking for lumps and cancer."
Finally, he tells he takes off her panties, lays her on the table, gets
on top of her, and starts having sex with her. He says "Do you know what
I am doing now?"
She replies "Yes, getting herpes. That's why I am here."
SURPRISE
Two gay guys are going at it. After they finish, one turns to the other and says "Hey, I feel something in my ass ... see if you can feel anything." So his boyfriends puts his finger in his ass and feels around.
"I don't feel anything",the boyfriend says.
So the first guy says, "No deeper...I'm sure I feel something".
So the boyfriend put his hand in the guys ass and feels around. "I'm telling you there is nothing there" says the boyfriend.
"No really", the guys says, "I can feel it, look deeper." So the boyfriend puts his whole arm in the guys ass and is feeling around when he touches something.
"Hey, I found something,"says the boyfriend.
"Well take it out," says the guy.
The boyfriend pulls his hand out of the guys ass, looks at it and see's it is a Rolex.
The guy starts singin, "Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday to you......"
EXCUSE ME FATHER
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed
to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where
he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and
into a confessional.
A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the
fellow was in need of some assistance, the priest proceeded to enter the
other side of the confessional. The priest's attention was rewarded only
by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got
any toilet paper on your side?"
SURPRISE
· A guy is driving his car and finds a friend crying, sitting on the road.
He stops.
And he asks him:
- Hey, What happens to you?
-
(crying) Look! and he points a crashed car.
-
Well, don't care and buy another car.
-
Look inside the car!
- Well, don't care and get another blonde, and that's all.
-
Look inside her mouth!!!
SURPRISE
· A young, promising medical student decides to specialize in sexual disorders and goes to visit a facility which has just accepted him as an intern. One of the resident physicians takes him on a tour of the hospital.
All of a sudden, they pass a booth with a young man there masturbating furiously. The intern turning to his superior asks about the man's problem.
All of a sudden, they pass a booth with a young man there masturbating furiously. The intern turning to his superior asks about the man's problem.
The resident responds, 'Oh, that man has an enormously over-active sex drive and has to have twenty orgasms a day or he becomes seriously ill.'
They move on through the hospital and eventually come upon another man in a booth with his pants down around his ankles and a beautiful blonde nurse on her knees in front of him lustily servicing him.
The intern inquiring to this man's trouble, the resident replies,
'Same problem, better health plan.'
WISH HARD
This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard his mother moaning. He
decided that he'd go see whats wrong with her. When he looked in his
mothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed naked and rubbing
herself and saying"I need a man, I need a man"
Then one night he heard his mother again, but this time her moaning
sounded different, so he went to go check it out, this time instead of
seeing his mother alone, he sees his mother in bed with a man. So the
boy runs back to his room, strips all his clothes off, jumps on the bed
and starts rubbing himself while saying "I need a bike, I need a
bike"!!!!!__________
TOUGHEST COWBOY
Three cowboys - one from Louisiana, one from Arkansas, and the
other from Texas are sitting around a campfire, out on the
lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which they are
famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The guy from Louisiana says, "I must be the meanest, toughest
cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the
corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by
the horns, with my bare hands."
The guy from Arkansas couldn't stand to be bested. "Why, I was
walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot long rattler slid
out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that
snake with my bare hands and bit its head off and sucked the
poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today!"
The Texan remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
BAD TASTE
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from
his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the
kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big
sigh, and said, " Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to
repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the
pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean
you put other men's penises in your mouth?"
The guy said nervously, " Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around,
whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER
complain about my cooking again!!"
HARD LICKER
These three women were sitting around one night talking about their
boyfriends when they decided they would give their men nicknames based
on kinds of soda.
The first woman said, "I'm gonna call Tom "Mountain Dew" because he is
as strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!"
The second woman said, "I'm gonna call Bruce "7-Up" because he has seven
inches and it is always up!"
The third woman said, "I'm gonna call my man "Jack Daniels."
The other two women responded, "Jack Daniels? But that's a hard liquor."
The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY LEROY!"
GREAT SELLER
A young Newfounderlander moves to California and goes to a big
mega- department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Newfoundland."
Well, the boss liked the Newfoundland kid (of course) so he gave him
the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see
how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales
did you make today?" the boss asked.
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a
day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, $101,237.64."
The boss says, $101,237.64? What did you sell?"
The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold him a medium fish hook.
Then I sold him a larger fish hook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the
coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to
the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took
him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him
a boat and truck?"
The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his
wife and I said "Well, your weekend's shot -- you might as well go
fishing."
SHOCKED HUBBY
A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe
problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions
but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.
Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are
having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did he look?"
"Very angry."
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere
and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this
further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's
face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that
you saw his face that time?"
"He was looking through the window."
SORRY-NOT YOUR DAY
A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better
times... He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says,
"Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned
out; you won't be able to make love more than 30 times!"
The man walks home (deeply depressed, of course); his wife is already
expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said
concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him.
She says: " Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we
should make a list!"
He replies, "Yes, i already made a list on the way home; sorry your
name is not on it!"
WANK IT
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they
find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights
out, since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the
wife figures out a solution. "Honey, why don't we agree on some simple
signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and
squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over
and squeeze my right breast two times".
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his wife if she
wants to have sex with him, "reach over and pull on my penis one time. If
you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis two hundred and
fifty times."
SHUT IT OFFFFFF
A little old lady, well into her 80's, slowly enters the front door of
a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the
few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks
the sales clerk "Dddddooo yoouuu hhhavvvve dddddiilllldddoosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies "Yes we do
have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks "Ddddddooo yyyouuu hhhave aaa ppinnkk onnne,
tttteennn iiinchesssss llllong aaaandddd tttwooo iinchesssss
tttthicckkk?"
The clerk responds "Yes we do."
"Cccccann yyyouuu tttelll mmmeee hhhowww tttooo ttturnnn ttthe
fffuccckkkkingggg ttthinggg offfffffffff?!"
SHOW ME YOUR HANDS
Wilf had a bad stomach complaint so went to his doctor and asks him
what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious
but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man
agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over
and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a
second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second
suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly
to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and
tells her what to do.The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to
steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the
man screams,
"DAMN!""What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?" "No,"
repliesthe man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he
had BOTH hands on my shoulder!"
GRAMMAR LESSON
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show
of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence
twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought
my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very
good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael."My mommy planned a beautiful banquet
and it turned out beautifully," he said."Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner
table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said,
'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"
REALITY
A son asked his father : "Dad, what's the difference between potential
and reality ?" (a question he was asked at school)
His father replied : "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with the
milkman for a million bucks. " The son did this and returned that his
mother would sleep with the milkman for a million bucks.
His father said : "Now go ask your sister if she would sleep with the
milkman for a million dollars. ".
The son did this and later replied :
"Sis said that she too would sleep with the milkman for a million
bucks."
His father then said : "Go ask your brother if he would sleep with the
milkman for a million bucks. " The son getting rather irritated did
this. He returned and said : "Ivor also said that he would sleep with
the milkman for a million bucks. I am getting tired of asking people if
they will sleep with the milkman please tell me what's the difference
between potential and reality ?"
His father looked at him and said :"This family has the potential to
make $3 000 000, but the reality is that we have two sluts and a homo in
the family."
That's the difference!
SUCCESS
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the
clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a
cloud, upon which was sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me
or climb the ladder to success" she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud.
On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on
the eye. "Screw me hard me or climb the ladder to success" she said.
"Well", thought the man, "might as well carry on.
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was
quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success" she
uttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to
himself that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot.
"Screw me me or climb the ladder to success" she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he
decided to climb again.
When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit
hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man said, "my name's Cess!"
WRONG HOLE
A gay guy goes into a doctor's office for the results of his AIDS test.
"Well? What's the news?"
"Not good I'm afraid" replied the doctor "You're positive."
The man broke down crying "What am I going to do?" he sobs.
"Well, I suggest you go home and drink 10 pints of beer then go out and
have yourself a very large spicy curry and wash it down with another 10
pints of beer."
"Is that going to help?" he asks hopefully.
"No, but it'll teach you what your asshole is really meant for."
LAY OUT THE HELP
The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told
by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack. His
choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10
years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support. At night
the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his
employees he would lay off.
Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be
the one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of
the two employees to arrive. At 8:55 Mary walks into the office. "I've
got a difficult decision" the VP says, "I either have to lay you or Jack
off."
"Oh, jack-off" Mary says, "I've got a headache."
BAD BUMPS
Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.
One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before
." The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."
MORE HOSE
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, you know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night.
." The next night he came home from work and yelled BELL 1!"
." His wife promptly took all her clothes off..
." Then he yelled BELL 2," his wife jumped into bed.
." When he yelled BELL 3," they began making love.
." After a few minutes his wife yelled "BELL 4!"
." "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
." "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she yelled, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE"
PENIS TROUBLE
A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he
approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may
we help you?"
." "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
." The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't
come into a crowded office and say things like that."
." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he
said.
." "We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please
go outside and come back in and say that there's something
wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."
." The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
." "There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated. The
receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your
ear, sir?"
." "I can't piss out of it." the man replied.
